To Protect and Offend

So just to re-cap, I'm currently zero from two in terms of meeting Mr Right.

But today I thought all my Christmases had come at once when a super hot guy emailed me to make contact. He is gorgeous (slightly Spanish looking), totally fit, seemed intelligent enough in the email and has a good job as a police man. So every little girl's (and I am sure some boys too!) fantasy right?

Well, not quite like that, but you get the idea.

Anyway, he asked if I would mind sending him my number so we could text. I thought there couldn't be any harm in that, as he is a law enforcement officer, surely he wouldn't do anything inappropriate, right?

Wrong.

It started fine, texting about how our days were going and then he said he felt like doing something naughty. I'm a bit naive and so texted back asking how much trouble a policeman can really get in? He texted back saying "no, you know, naughty.... ;-)"

I wrote back saying that I am pretty good most of the time. Not apparently the response he was looking for as I haven't heard anything back from him since then.

Better make that zero from three.

Feedback.

Normally I am quite excited to receive an email from a potential love interest however the one I got today filled me more with dread than anything else.

Bin Juice Boy made contact!!

After what I thought was a pretty bad date I assumed I would never hear from him again (surely he couldn't think we were compatible) but in his email he said that said that he had a great time and would like to see me again.

So now my dilemma is how to let him down gently. I could go the "oh, I'm just really busy at the moment" route, but I think that's pretty slack as I want him to know that there is DEFINITELY not going to be a second date.

I certainly won't take the 'just ignore him' tack, because guys have done that to me in the past and it totally sucks. Plus the world is such a small place, I couldn't stand treating people badly and raising false hope and I would hate for some guy I met online to do it to me.

But does "thanks, but I don't think there was much of a spark" sound way too harsh?  A couple of my friends think it does, but how else do you let someone down, without saying "BIN JUICE IS FUCKING DISGUSTING AND YOUR MOUTH WILL NEVER GET ANYWHERE NEAR MINE!!!!!"

YOU DRANK WHAT??????

I went on a date tonight, with the man who sent the electronic roses. I thought I would give him a chance and was hoping for the best - particularly after my experience with Cat Man. BIG mistake.

The date was at a local cafe after work. I was wearing a reasonably nice dress and a pair of lovely heels (my current favourites).

I spent extra time on my hair this morning so that I wouldn't have to worry about it, did my makeup with extra care, finished work a few minutes early and spent about 10 minutes touching up in the bathroom.

I arrived (three minutes late) and he wasn't there yet so I sat at a table where I could see the door. I saw him come in and my heart just sank. He must take a good photo because he was good from afar, but far from good. Oh dear.

Anyway, we chatted for a short while and I told him about the plans for my upcoming birthday party (a luxury tea-party affair). He then told me about his recent birthday party at which they played 'goon of fortune'. I thought he was 26, not 16...

And then, horror of horrors, he explained that he drank a heap of 'bin juice' that night. Seeing my horrified expression, he quickly explained that he didn't consume the filthy liquid that drips out the bottom of a bin, but rather made some mixed alcoholic beverage in a bin.

I didn't care.

He still said he drank bin juice.

I was out of there as quickly as my MiuMiu's would take me.

Tick tock, tick tock.

No no, that's not my biological clock ticking. Well, I suppose it is, but I think really my mother may have to accept the fact she is unlikely to get grandchildren from me. Even if I find the perfect guy children are not my thing.

My question is, how long is it acceptable to leave a message on an internet dating site before responding to it? This whole internet dating thing has thrown up a huge new world of etiquette that I am not so sure about. If I were doing this in the real world, I'd just reach for my handy Penguin guide to Australian etiquette, but this is something completely new.

Say I see the profile of a guy I think is nice. I send him a wink/nudge/poke/flirt/whatever they are. How long is it acceptable for him to take to respond? Should I give it a few days? Or if I can see he has been active on the site for a couple of days without a response, should I archive him straight away? It is so confusing!! Does the fact that someone looks at my profile but chooses not to initiate contact mean that he isn't interested at all? Or does he just need more time to consider?

GAAAHHHHH! I thought this internet dating was supposed to make things easier! It sounds like it would - you just sift through profiles until you find one you like, make contact, happy days! But no it is not like that at all. It raises so many new questions and sometimes I just think it might be easier to go back to my plan of being alone with cats....

I used to love clocks - my grandparents had heaps of them and I liked the idea of sitting and watching time move while I felt completely unchanged. It seemed to bring me some sort of peace. I'm not sure I like it so much now - I still like clocks (my favourite is below) but the moving of time seems so relentless. I think that's my deep thought for the year...

A rose by any other name....

Let me be honest for a minute. You might think I'm totally tech-savvy, because I'm blogging and internet dating, but frankly I'm a hot mess when it comes to technological things and rely on my fabulous German friend to get me onto all these things. This blog was essentially his idea actually. But generally 'techy' things confuse the hell out of me. So when I got another message (That makes two!! maybe I won't die old and alone!!) which ended with this:

                                                                  @}-;--

I thought, oh, that must be some sort of emoticon that I'm not aware of. It wasn't until I got about 4 more messages, all finishing with the same symbol that I realized it is supposed to be a rose..... Cue disappointment. Call me old fashioned, but I think if you're going to give someone a rose, it should be a real one, no? Tell me I'm wrong & outdated.

And it's not like I'm asking for a bunch of red roses to be delivered to my door. In fact, I have very strong opinions about roses and am not sure that I would ever appreciate the cliche of being given red roses by a lover. But my point is, either do it properly, or not at all.

This may not be boding well. But, I suppose the whole point of this adventure was to try new things. And after the cat man, it can't get much worse right? I'll give him a go - updates forthcoming...

KITTIES!!!

It is never something you want to hear on a first date:

"I have two kitties. I really love them. They're like my family."

Especially from a guy, right? Now don't get me wrong. I'm an animal loving person who has no problem with cats. But when your date talks for HALF AN HOUR about his 'KITTIES', there is something wrong. While the concept of dying fat and alone with cats may be entertaining, I'm pretty sure I can handle that future on my own thank you....

But maybe I'm jumping the gun. Or just being unfair. He was probably nervous, right? It was a reasonable enough date I suppose (apart from THE KITTIES!). Just a quick coffee, chats about what we do and our goals, what we like to do on the weekend. Oh, and how much he earns... That was the second problem. Is it just me, or is that the biggest turn-off ever? Unless, of course, he earns about a million dollars a minute....

So, I shall continue to search the world of online love and hope that my next adventure isn't quite so distrubing.

I'll leave you with a picture of where I could have lived, if only I had liked the cats more:

You have one new message...

So you finally got up the courage to join a new dating site, after convincing yourself that you would die alone with cats eating your face. So you signed up. What do you have to loose?

Then after you hit submit profile and check your email inbox 100 times a miracle happens – you get a “one new message” notification telling you that someone is interested in you.

I received one such message.

Today, I’m going on my first date with a guy I met through the online world. We’ve emailed a little bit, I’ve checked out his profile enough to work out that he won’t try and kidnap me (hopefully) if the date turns sour and I am actually quite looking forward to getting to know someone new in my city, which sometimes feels as though if you stay here long enough you will get to know EVERYONE!

Given that it is a coffee date I want to play things relatively relaxed, except of course for my outfit. After fixing my hair and trying on a dozen outfits that don’t make me look to thin, tall, fat, short or like I am an alien life form, I finally decided on an outfit. These are the earrings I am wearing.

Oh dear I just looked at the clock and already I am running late so I’m off. After all who wants to be late for a very important date?